what could potentaily kill you makes you stronger….

October 11, 2007

I don’t know who’s going to be more disapointed?

Filed under: Uncategorized — closedembrace @ 11:17 pm

No change in Dx guys things are not changing.

Well I’m not sure of that I’m really confused right now…..

I have a request that you guys just keep me in your thoughts and hope that whatever my fate weather a Dx change to pre D or just a staying reactive hypoglycemic that god has it in his hands to pick the right choice for me and that it will all turn out.

Right now I’m feeling a little sad and frightened. To much to think about just To overwhelmed drop a comment if theres anyone else out there.

I’d like to say thanks to Curt and I know that he was hoping for the best that things would change so I could stop worrying and leaning on him so much. You have no idea how much you mean to me hun! I don’t know who’s more disapointed me or Crut about the whole thing. I should post a picture of me and him on here when and if I can get any time….

Lately my vision has taken a turn for the worse and I need to get glases still waiting on my mom to make the apointment and it seems I may be developing Carpal tunel.

Just to much for a 16 year old kid who just wants to have fun to deal with…..

“we are all innocent…..”




Dx might be changeing soon…..

Filed under: Uncategorized — closedembrace @ 12:11 am

I just started showing huge warning signs of the big D!

In ways I’m okay with and just well relieved to have it over it’s been so stressful with my reactive hypoglycemia. There are basicaly no drugs to assist in slowing down insilin flow and so it’s basicly diet conrtroled. I can only 1500 cals and 149 carbs.

I’m kinda scared and than I’m like “I knew this was going to happen and I said whatever happens I’m gonna be okay” and than I’m like “I’m not okay kinda”

A little lost right now I’m just glad I have my www.diabetesdaily.com/forum

SO prediabetes/T2 it is for hypo now guys!



October 9, 2007

Thankful for the simpilar things…hapiness is simplier that what it needs to be…..

Filed under: Uncategorized, Weekend Funstuff — closedembrace @ 8:20 pm

In honor of the thanksgiving holiday this post is dedicated to all the things and people I am thankful for.

First off I am thankful for my health as such that it is and more so for the fact that I am alive despite the everyday chalenges living with this Dx has presented . Next off I am thankful for my Dx of hypoglycemia without it I would have never met the wonderful people I now call friends the ones I count happy to have in my online family. I am thankful for every small bit of happiness I have in my life even if it’s just a simple smile and a hello from a friend when I’m feeling sad.

I’m thankful to be loved.

Most of all I’m thankful for today and whatever tomorrow brings I know I’m going to be okay!

Happy thanks giving and sorry this is late,


October 5, 2007

Made it to the weekend still no new meter….

Filed under: Uncategorized — closedembrace @ 7:59 pm

Tired out!

No new meter again today I may go into town and get it tomorrow….

not much to saw just glad to be alive!

Thanksgiving weekend so tomorrow will be weekend fun and thankful list

October 3, 2007

Sometimes it’s just easier to feel nothing inside….

Filed under: Hypoglycemia — closedembrace @ 8:45 pm

I am so tired of being angry!




In my house it’s taboo to mention anythings wrong with me and to boot us kids are not allowd to complain,cry or talk about anything. We support ourselves emotionaly and finacaily most of the time we are more than well provided for. In our house age and feelings count for nothing. In our house if your crying over anything it’s because your being over dramatic and nothings wrong.

I learned a long time ago to just not feel anything! Look away every feeling till nothing remains now the rest of my life is messed over because of that vulcan like ability.

I am so tired of my friends not understanding why all of a sudden I’m so angry!

I am physically exshausted along with being mentaly and emotionaly wiped out.

I don’t have any place to go and I don’t know what to do I’m loseing my grip and no one is there to cacth me!

My friends don’t understand and a certain one of them is making me so angry I don’t know what to do about it because as I stated earlier “If I don’t find an outlet soon my actions and words are going to hurt someone close to me I don’t want to lose” . Somehow this person always seems to think that their problems are the only ones and forgets that maybe I need a few minutes of her time to vent. I know I worry to much but that doesn’t mean I don’t need a fall back when I crumble into a million pieces.

Still no new meter probably won’t go get it for awhile my reasoning is that I’m just to tired.

To tired to care

just tired…………

October 2, 2007

Finally the rest of what happen!

Filed under: Hypoglycemia, Support groups/forum — Tags: , , — closedembrace @ 10:31 pm

Got caught up in life!

Warning this is going to be a long blog entry for sure might type half of it and than the other in a nother entry!

Finally here I go the end of what happened  saterday and saterday night!

Well any way at this birthday party I was at (Ekka’s) Everyone had arrived in the afternoon and most of my friends know about my hypoglycemia and while they know I have it they don’t always know how I feel about it except for one aspect.How I feel about telling people! I don’t mind when aproached in the right manner or going up to a teacher and explaining it out but to be put on the spot by almost strangers! HOLY was I upset!

Ekka’s mom had been talking to some of the relitives about what I had no doubt talking about how POOR the quality of my life and how I couldn’t EAT anything. Ekka’s mom could not remember the name of what I had so she spots me and she goes “what is it that you have? They want to know what it is and I can’t remember!” so I take a deep breath in to go and explain it all to her so she can relay back to whoever. Than this is where I get slightly even more upset when she goes “yell it load so they all can hear” THEY being 20 plus people whom 80% I didn’t know and to boot a bunch of under 9 year olds. I have never been so upset or felt so exposed!

Also she didn’t want to give me a piece of cake after I went to a whole lot of effort to wacth my carbs and calories just so I could have a piece. I have decided not to go back to her house.

When I got home I went onto my number 1 support group www.diabetesdaily.com/forum and went into chat and got some advice on how to handle a situation like the one I got into! Thanks a mil Lloyd and BigT !

Here is how to handle a situation like that thanks Lloyd and BigT:

“If anyone wants to know come and speak to me in private”

worded nicely and without meaness in it.

Also I just simply will not return to my friends home again what so ever. I have yet to talk to her about what happened at the party. Ekka a nice a girl and I know she tryed to explain to her parents a head of time of my condition and she kept trying and it just ended up that what she said just confused them more.

Anyway I have yet to talk to her about the situation as there has been a lot of strain among all our friends since the party for reasons beyond my comprihension. More on that latter now onto the events of saterday night……

I don’t know how I’m still alive…..

Saterday night I came home finally and was on the computer intill about 10:30 pm not very late. My dad told me to get off so I did because he’s been a bit cranky lately because he had to go back onto insilin after a period of sucess without. So I put my cd walkman on dance around intill about 11:00 pm than he tells me and my sister to go to bed. I’m 16 I don’t drink,do drugs,mess around and over all am not a bad person. I thought I should be allowd the freedom of staying up late since I had to get up again at 12 to 1 amishy for my midnight meal to prevent morning hypos.

I made the mistake of telling my little sister to not listen to him and go wacth TV. This made him mad and he stepped into my space and he is not a little man 6’1 and almost 200 lbs  so I PUSHED him away from me as he scares the poop out of me when he gets like that. This caused this whole screaming macth with him and me and my sister both ended up in tears and a mess.

on a side note I have NEVER ever ever retaliated physically against my parents this is the first time only because he’s so scary like that. I tryed to be reasonable and as usual it ended up in disastor and him claiming I’m questioning his authority.

I was deathly upset and after calming my little 12 year old sis down I went to my room and opened my window still crying climbed out onto the roof. This is my specail place where I go when I need to get away. It was about near my snack time and I was so upset I forgot I needed to eat. I had partly worked myself into a hypo that with the loss of snack I ended up passing out from low BGL’s when I woke up I was on the edge of our roof. My liver must have acted on my be half saveing my buttkins this time. I managed to get back inside and get my snack and the rest of the night is all blury.

Ive promised several people on DD that I will not climb out onto the roof again!!!!!!!!Also my friends at school don’t want me to do it anymore so I will try to stay away from the roof but at some point I’m gonna snap and go up there just to be alone.

Right now I don’t want to be alone not for awhile! The feeling of waking up there so tired,fatigued,shakey,cold and feeling so alone deffinitely has me shaken emotionaly a little bit and my confidence has a bit of a dent in it from the for your information acholhol free party.

Than last night I was in chat and nothing really happened except well I got to thinking way to hard due to a member who mentioned she was a hypoglycemic about around the same age I was. I am a mildly severe reactive hypoglycemic and without control I know my goose is cooked. Basicly I stayed up all last night thinking about how I say I’m okay with five years down the road when my pancreas quits that I forgot that it could quit two weeks down the road. I knew the risks and I knew it could quit and than she made a comment about some of the number I’d posted here and there reminded her about her levels about the time the tables turned for her and she became a diabetic.

Made me think good and hard and if she’s reading this than I want to thank her. She made me really think about how okay I really am with everything over all short term and everything and it made me reliese I’m not and that I’m actuatly very very angry with everything right now. Unintentional things my friends say that I see pretaining to me in some way or when they complain about there life I just feel like screaming at them!Venting everything out but as soon as I start yelling and not being okay I’m afraid I’l lose them.

 I need to find a physical and mental outlet soon before I blow up and someone does get hurt by my words or actions.

I’m angry and unsure about so many things.I won’t quit I’m not weak enough to thats what everyone who doesn’t get why I keep going is waiting for I won’t give them that satisfication. On the plus side I am feeling slight encouraged.

I was eating raison’s which I hate so much! I was right in front of the english teachers door. I was forced feeding myself raisons because I had run low that morning after a run in gym and ended up in one of those stupid half cohherent states managed to save myself before I got dropped intirely though. Anyway back to the raisons! I had been yelling earlier during recess down the hall while he was walking down it. I was trying to pawn my raisons off onto Pat I did tell him no even though he would have ate them all I’m sure but I go “I can’t weasel my way out of eatting them because I ran low this morning!”

So fast foreword five minutes latter while making faces while swallowing raisons at the end of recess being smart  goes to aforementioned english teacher “Hey Quinn you want some Raisons?” and he goes “No Jess needs to eat them all!” and I go something along the lines of “they taste so horriable!” he goes “Jess just put them in your hand and eat them all at once and eat them!” and Curt goes “I did that last year and I nearly died I’m surpised you didn’t hear it!” and than we all sorta laughed and I kept on eatting those stupid raisons.

More great news I got invited to be on our towns local art council opening up some insane opportunities in my future art/english teacher. It’s gonna be so great! I hope to be putting together a presentation and going to some local schools soon I have to talk to the art teacher about that as well.

So some bad and some good stuff this week!

Lots of loves and hugs,



My five month aniversary of being Dxed was on September 30th I am now five months and two days dxed!!!

The rest of what happened

Filed under: Hypoglycemia, Uncategorized — closedembrace @ 12:09 am

comeing tomorrow morning having fun in DD chat can’t post now!lol

September 29, 2007

I’m going to break the weekend fun rule………..

Filed under: Hypoglycemia — closedembrace @ 11:56 pm

This once as I see it fit that I do so! I missed two whole days of updateing due to a sleepover one night and than the next. First off I’l tell you all how my week was BGL wise…..

Since my meter is still out of order permently and I don’t have a new one yet I don’t know my averages all I know is I rahn low every night except the last three nights. I did test once on faulty meter and it told me 1.0 but it reads wrong so thats just an aprox. of what it was!

I got a brand new laptop though on wednesday so that is one highlight of the week. Toshiba satelite running on windows vista it’s pretty sweet and I like it a lot so far!

Thursday Ashers and Ekka came over for a girls night and man of man did we go whild! We slept out in our camper trailer which is decked out just like a house airconditioning and all! We played Dance Dance Revelution which I am now so adicted to it’s not even funny! I ate three pieces of pizza and lived although I did have to excersize and control after like insane!

we ended up making a couple phone calls and um well some of our friends are still laughing like insane idiots right now! Ashers brain is insanely naughty and brill at the same time! latter one we dressed me up as a punk crossed with a hooker it was hillarious!Mini skirt,fish nett leggings,tank top and japenese school girl shoes! The black make up looked good on me but it was so hard to get off! Ekka also put on the same outfit and somehow our black loveing unprepish ashers wiggled her way out of putting on my nerd prepy cloths!

We where using the webcam on my laptop to take some pics and apparently was recoding our audio and video convo the whole time without us knowing! Nearly peed myself laughing wacthing it! I ended up sleeping with Ashers in the bed fully clothed I might add for those of you who I know will twist that around! Since I am trying to keep this blog g rated I won’t discuss how we turned a simple insilin pump into something hilarious don’t worry no pumps where harmed in this at all we where just dicussing the pump and it’s benefits and some where inbetween one of use (ashers) thought I was talking about something else.

it was near 1 am before we got to sleep though on a school night! we had to get up at 6 am in the morning!

After that we went to school and I reliese that I forgot my meter and I was going to Ekka’s house after school for her birthday party on saterday as it was so far away I was sleeping over. She has 5 brothers and sisters (6 counting her) than two of her cousins live with her and her mom and dad.

This is where my weekend gets butt ugly for me. I have never felt so out of place,unwanted and unsecure in my whole intire being about my hypoglycemia. I was just starting to get most of my confidence back that I lost 5 months ago to this diesease and things had to go wrong!

I brought all my own meals and all my own snacks as I didn’t expect them to try and feed me what so ever and I brought my own water and a can of juice to last friday and saterday. I explained everything to her parents as best as I could have possibley done. So it was fine and I was lucky I did bring my own food because lunch was hotdogs big calorie and carb no no! Than super was at 7 pm at night o_O I proly would have died had I not brought my own meals.

Somehow her parents ended up with an impression that there was almost nothing I could met hence the waste of trying to explain anything to anyone at all. I said I had a certain number of calories I could eat and I brought my own meals to keep with that count.

So things where fine I played DDR with Ekka and Sare for hours on end and just hung out and stuff. Than around 10 pm or something .Than things got ugly but I’l have to type what happened latter to tired right now 😦 Zzzzzzzzzz

September 27, 2007

I need a bigger piece of that humble pie!

Filed under: Uncategorized — closedembrace @ 9:16 am

Ive failed miserably without my meter…..Sigh only a couple of mre days without one to so I can’t fully enjoy this freedom for the whole 2 weeks.

I don’t think before I eat!It’s not second nature yet but it’s soon gonna have to be! I’m so stupid when it comes to making choices of when I need to eat! Not so much the what to eat but more so the when!

I’m back to rotateing my meals so a night meal is included in the middle of the night. NO morning hypos for me!

On the plus side this means I don’t have to move the dresser I keep falling into in the mornings when I’m low…..

Also means I won’t keep tumbleing down the stairs as well……

I now start my days at 5 am eat,run and than eat again.

I feel afficxiated with myself right now and I hate this feeling…..

Could use some humble pie to bring me to my knees……

That is life,


September 24, 2007

Why does it feel so wrong….

Filed under: Uncategorized — closedembrace @ 9:02 pm

I messed up 😦

I didn’t mean to but I did.

I used 100 strips that was sposed to last me more than three weeks!In my defense I didn’t know I had a set of 100’s I thought i had a set of 40 like I always do……

Any way my mom is super mad about my use of strips…..

On another note I have NO more machine what so ever I won’t be able to get another intill the week after this one.

I hope they take cash cuz my blue cross is all used up I have to buy my own machine….

I’l warn you never ever buy a Aboot metter FreeStyle’s suck so bad….

My machine is from a bacth with some major error……

I’m switching to the Aviva systems but instead of argueing with my mom about it all I’m just going out and doing it all myself….

I don’t think I need a priscription to get a meter….I’m not sure my mom bought my last one and I hope to god they take Cash because I just want to buy it can get it all done and over with so I can move on with life having peace of mind that my BGL’s are okay!

But why does it feel so good to be free of my meter….Why do I feel like decideing not to get a new one?

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